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MY LETTER TO JAMIE

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Dear Jamie,

Well where do I start, what do I say and how do I say it. Even though I talk to all the time I feel I need to write to you. I think I need to get something’s down on here so I can help my self to not feel so overloaded with the emotions I carry in me from our accident, your death and my injuries. I guess this is suppose to be a form of therapy and all and if it helps me that would be super, if it doesn’t well that’s ok too, cause I just want to write you and tell you stuff. First it is important to me to tell you that I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten you or our accident and I never will. I think about you almost everyday in one fashion or another. I have some real problems over what happened and I sometimes feel like it is hard to manage. I don’t know why but my head is just so messed up from everything that happened. I try to get over it but at this point I don’t think that is possible and I really just try to live each day without the thoughts of you, your death and the accident invading my mind constantly. My gosh can you believe it has been almost 21 years since it happened. To me it seems like last week, I can still see you, oh you looked so bad, so grave. I can still hear you, your attempts to scream and hearing the air escape your open chest. God you were hurt so bad. It was so crazy in that ambulance wasn’t it holy crap I bet there were 6 people in the back with us trying to help. I still hear the sound of the crash, the tires squalling and the grinding metal as your car broke apart. I still wake up in the night sometimes and I can’t get the smell of the blood out of my nose and I smell other stuff too but im not sure what it is, car fluids, medicine from the ambulance maybe, I don’t know. Crap you were bleeding so much; my god every time you grabbed at your throat you threw blood all over the place. I know you couldn’t help it though. I wanted to help you but I couldn’t move. At that point I didn’t even know who you were, ya know I didn’t know I knew you, I couldn’t see your face. Weren’t you scared, man I was, I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t even all that sure what had happened to us, I was so confused. I really want to ask you if you had a lot of pain, cause it seemed like it but someone told me that you would have been in such shock that you wouldn’t have known but I don’t know if I believe that cause I was in shock too and I knew I was in pain and the way you were thrashing around in the ambulance makes me think you felt it all. I see you in all that pain…wow; I am so sorry Jamie, what a bunch of shit it all was. Do you know that I come to your grave every year on September 16, our anniversary date, can you see me there. Do you hear me talking to you? I guess I mostly come to make sure  you are alright and to say how sorry I am, ya I know it isn’t really my fault but I still feel guilty because it was my car that killed you. Man after you died and I was ok enough to go back to school (even though I was never ok to go back to school) everything was such a mess, your friends wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even look at me. I wrote a letter to Greg telling him how sorry I was and I had Jackie give it to him because he avoided me like the plague, he told her he didn’t want it. He said it wasn’t that he blamed me, that he knew you had run the stop sign but it just hurt him to much to talk to me. Did you know that Dan scholten is buried right by you? Well he is. There is like one person between you and him. Do you remember when he and Eric had their accident, I do and I remember what a huge thing it was and it is strange how just 3 months later you and I repeated the whole thing. You know I met up with Eric at a party a few months after I got out of the hospital and we started to hang out, at first we thought it was a good idea because we both felt like we were in the same place. We both felt alone and dark and empty. I remember telling him I was pretty sure that even though my body had survived my soul had died and he knew exactly what I meant. He and I talked about you and Dan a lot and about our accidents, we talked about how no one really understood and that they avoided the subject, avoided us or patronized us and believe me none was ok. We also talked about death, yours and Dan’s death and our death, ya know how we wished we would have been the ones to die. I don’t know it was such a crazy time for us both, I mean we were too young to handle that kind of thing. I slowly stopped hanging around him, he started to hang around some wild kids and doing drugs, I was hanging around kids to who weren’t  very good either but most of my real friends left me, I guess they couldn’t understand me and ya know I had changed, I was like  a totally different person. I know this probly surprises you cause when you knew me in school I was the bouncy happy perky cheerleader but im telling you that all changed after the accident, I couldn’t do cheerleading anymore because of the head injury and I really didn’t feel happy anymore anyway, I didn’t care about anything really. I spent a lot of time sitting around thinking about you and wondering why the hell the whole nightmare had to happen in the first place. Eventually I buried all this stuff somewhere deep in my mind because it was just too much for a kid to handle ya know. Well it started to come out a few years ago and it has gotten pretty bad at times, it seems so crazy cause on one hand im the happiest I have ever been in my life and at the same time im so miserable because of the post  traumatic stress disorder, man I see you, do you know of that? Yes I do, I see you in my car and in my house, and it is so weird. I know it is my mind but it seems so real, you look so real. I hope it all stops someday. It seems like I have two lives, two selves, my real self and my real life and then my accident life and my accident self, I think you understand. I wish I could talk to you in person about that day, I want to know what you think about the accident what you were really feeling, what you thought of me after it happened. It dawned on me the other day that the only thoughts I have of you anymore are regarding the accident and your death and thought I need to think more about you before it happened, so I was remembering Mr. Jekel’s English class and how you were the only one with a smile on there face that early in the morning and how you would help me with my unfinished homework almost every morning, man you were so nice to me. Remember the squirrel story and how it would make the Jackal cry, lol, that was so mean but back then it was so funny. I can still see your Mc Donald’s hat sitting inside your car. You know I didn’t go back to that Mc. Donald’s until about 5 years ago; I just couldn’t bring myself to go in. I hope you are alright where ever you are. Im ok but I still sort of feel like im on the outside looking in ya know but I have recently started with a support group on the internet and it has really helped me, I finally feel like I have people who I can talk to and they really understand me, not just have sympathy. I know I will continue to still talk to you and think about you but I hope by writing this letter to you I will be able to let some of this stuff go. So take care of yourself and please know how sorry I am about the whole thing. So Jamie until I see you again, may you only know peace.

 

Bless you my friend,

LISA

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